When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
