I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
