I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
