And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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