I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
