It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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