Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
