My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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