oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
