the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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