I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I would fuck him just for his dog
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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