I feel great
I just peed on a car
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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