White coat. Heels.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
