since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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