I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize