Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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