dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
