Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
