Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
