doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
