Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
