He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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