my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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