Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
