I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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