remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
50% drunk capacity currently
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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