I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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