is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
