O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
