Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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