just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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