Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
