Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
