I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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