So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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