he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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