I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
