Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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