I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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