I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In other news, I just burned my penis
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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