hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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