my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
