You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
