I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
