I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
