3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
