New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
