Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
