So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
