I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
