i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
