I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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