my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
