So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
