I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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