at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
