o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
