what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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