Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
