i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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