So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
True strength comes from lack of pants
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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