just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
